I hate to break the pattern but...

...Lee is busy and I think that our one fan will stop checking the blog if nothing happens to it.

You know that game Halo 2? My brother is playing it right now with a friend. I wonder what makes it so popular among gamers? Now, I'm not saying that all gamers favor Halo 2, but most do. Most of them do. And that same principle applies when you try to throw out your product into the market, the mercado, if you will. Mercado is Spanish for market and you should not confuse it for Mikado, some play in Japanese or something. Yeah, you thought I was going to step with my left foot, but then (Oh man!) I take it back and go with my right again!!! Life's tricky like that: one moment you are chillin' at home, enjoying the time off from all the other stuff, relaxing on the sofa, sipping lemonade, munchin' on popcorn, wearing socks but no shoes, growing a beard, watching your favorite movie (the one with Marlin Brando and Frank Sinatra) with Royal Crown Revue playing softly in the background which just happens to be playing Walk Like Brando upon the entrance of Skye Masterson, dreaming about suspenders, twitching your toes, hear messed up... Can you see it?

Hey Sully-Wullie.

Hey Celia, uh, Welia.

Reminds me of Amelia Badelia and that time the guy told her to hit the road and she smacked the road with a stick. Or the time she was supposed to draw the curtains and she... drew the curtains.

Somebody yell at me to get my Eagle done, quickly! I need some motivation. More Ovaltine please.

What about a small smackerel? I think I should write a book: 32,174 Random One-Liners. That way, when you're in the car going home and nobody really has anything to say, you can blurt out "Well that was a piece of wood if I ever saw one." And then you become the life of the party. The... tea... party....

Over and Over and Out.

Would it be possible to stop and think for a moment, sir?

No!

Funny, right now I don't really have anything crazy to post. But I probably should since this may be the only free moment I have for a while. And it looks like Lee is in the same fix. But don't worry, the quality of posts won't go down. That is, of course, unless it does.

It's a chaotic world we live in, folks. No, I'm serious! Ha. Well, I could be considered serious in some way, I suppose. Sirius Black. The actor who was cast for him in the movie was a little bit different than I expected him to be, but then what do I know? Especially since I read that book several years before I saw the movie. During that time I am sure that my perception of Sirius changed, so we will go ahead and permit the dish to run away with the spoon. The spoon in question (before he ran away) is probably composed and compiled and compounded of Sterling Silver. The finest, of course, that's Sterling. More like Sterlington Coat Factory, we're more than great coats. Billy coat cruff. In the Crust of an Old Apple Pie, there is something for you and for I. It may be a nail, or a puppy dog's tail, or it may be a dear little fly.

Haven't you heard that song? Forgive me if I am skipping around too much. It's a bad habit. You would think that by now I would have already reached my Lou, but no, I just keep skipping there. I hope I get there soon because I really have to go to the loo badly. You probably think me terribly undignifimied for talking about something like that. And the first Professor of Linguistics to email me the difference between loo and WC will win a prize. He will win a wonderful alliteration widget. And Beowulf shook Grendel's hand and stand for brand, and Grendel's arm came off. And Grendel ran away. At least that's the bedtime story version. Your mommy never told you the real story. Or, as Paul Harvey would say if he were here instead of Bangladesh in a quaint, green cafe with free WI FI but none-too-good frappes, the rest of the story. And now you know.

That was pretty specific. But I suppose we could break it down to latitude and longitude and leapitude and digest the reader. It has become apparent to me that just typing a bunch of garbledygook or nonsensical stuff is not only boring but dull and uninteresting, to say the least. Any humor I read into it is not of the real variety. So there must be some magical entity that holds it all together, or else all is not from the baker's rack. I will work on this and maybe circumstance will favor me so that I may be more in the mindset in the future.

It's almost as though there aren't enough words in the English language to make things interesting. But I believe that there are, it's just that the typical person does not choose to use them either because the typical person is lazy or because the typical person is unsmart. But in one case, namely, laziness, the latter, is, true as well. , Comma. I'd teach those doctors a thing or two, why, they sometimes think somebody is inside a comma! As if! Anybody who thinks that should be folded up so small that they would fit into a comma of Palatino Linotype font size 11.5 and tossed into the salad. The object of the game is to not eat the salad but to eat more salad than anyone else. And if the comma touches you, period.

I don't know what it feels like to have that thing that is hard to spell and so long that by the time you type it you have it: metacarpal-tunnel-syndrome or some wacky term like that; and I don't think I have it. But and however, yet not heretofore altogether without logic nonetheless, my hands hurt. Instead of that weird syndrome I think I have hantendnspaynemuchitis. From typing so much and fast and rapidly. This could probably be reduced by not being so redundant, but that's the name of the game. Sometimes.

Huh, carpal. More like PayPal.

So what impresses you? What could I, giver of treasure, offer to you to make your diaphram contract and force air out of your lungs in an abnormal fashion and make the corners of your mouth elevate? And coerce your eyes to get all squintyish and your hands to cover your belly? You can do whatever you want with your hands just keep them away from my belly. Are we on the same wavelength? Am I too excessive? Exceedingly?

Microsoft Excel, more like it.

Sigh. Are you still reading? Don't you have a life? Even if you are reading, you are probably only doing so just to be nice to me because, after all, what have I done to you other than make you sit here and lose brain cells? sells? Auctions?

Economically speaking, there is much elasticity in candy bars. But also speaking ecomonilaccy, HP appears to be doing better since their deloveb 1eaber 1ef+.

Don't you love those guys who write in h4x0r? Me too, especially the ones who think they know what they're doing and really don't. I love them. Like my own pet.

Is that a Cyprus?

You know, a turnip is a log like a piece of toast...except they don't taste or smell the same. In my studies that's something that I *turned up* Ho ho ho! Don't get all nasally with me, mister

I thought I'd take some of your valuable time and do something that us commoners call B.S.-ing. Is that truly how you spell B.S.-ing? Probably not, but that's okay because I hear the toilet flushing and you know what that means.

Back before yesterday I was a goody-two shoes. I use to do what I was told and didn't give no "guff". Now...oh now! Baby! I'm a mean, very lean inexcusable vacuum cleaner in a post-colonial industrialized blanket factory store-room eating potato pancakes. That's how bad it's gotten.

Am I ashamed of being out of the waffle-iron of society? Yes

Why? Because I'm still a goody-two-shoes-who-does-what-he's-told-and-doesn't-give-no-"guff".

Yeah.....

What is thy bidding, my master?

Take a stand. Take a stand on the issues. Take a stand from the music room: they won't notice. They never do until it's too late.

Sigh. It's no good trying to force it, Mac. Maybe I should just end the post right here. Maybe I should not even post it, but instead click the little button in the top right corner of my screen that is red with a white 'x' in it.

Note: for some users (the silly ones who actually try to prevent Microsoft from taking over the world), they will have to use their imagination since they do not use an OS (Operating System) (If I were going to use an acronym, I shouldn't have included what it stood for because that just defeats the whole purpose) (unless, of course, I am going to use OS again later in the post, which I may or may not post) that goes by the name of Microsoft XP. Just in case these users don't get the picture yet, I am ignoring you. How's that for a nomination for false statement of the year?

No, wait. We might have something here. Yes...

You see, before I typed "nomination for false statement of the year" I already had paradox in its place (although paradox was in its own place at the time) (I know it's not a paradox, that's why I replaced it!) (It is NOT a paradox because it is obvious that I am not ignoring those people (if that is what you want to call them) and there is no terminating contradiction) (I am really starting to irritate myself with all these parenthetical statements) (am I starting to irritate you?) (Or have I already started to irritate you and only continue to do so?) And before paradox I had paradigm (since I had the two mixed up, you see). Paradigm (pronounced pair-uh-dime) has been around a while, which is a relative statement because it concerns time, which is an infinite thing, so any reference to it as a finite thing is only according to a specific interval, defined or undefined. Not that time is concerned about it, mind you. Time hasn't a care in the world. Time isn't very partial when it comes to those matters. Time, not to be confused with Thyme (an herb referred to in Simon and Garfunkel's "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme", an album that was released in 1966, which opens with a song called Scarborough Fair/Canticle that also uses Thyme for a small period of time), is tolerant.

Well, that's a sign the end is near (of this post anyway: I'm no future predictinator): when I start using Simon and Garfunkel you know that I'm desparate.

Somewhere in the Unknown

In another plane a reality, absolutely opposite from our own, there exists a bookshelf. Fittingly, on this bookshelf there is a copy of the Complete Literary Works of Bill Shakespeare. Why?

Take Mr. Johnson, the band director at a small town in Idaho, for example. If one of his pupils rushes his or her passage of music, the Johnson will insult all by saying: "I can tell none of you have ever fallen in love before."

?

The mysteries of this world only accent our supreme (as Plato might say) form of a bookshelf. Why wouldn't there be a bookshelf or a supreme different manner of universe all together? Surely we have seen stranger things.

In the most extreme cases of doubt of this theory, I like to remind my students of a company which will wipe all these doubts away. The faithless shall see! The company, you ask? Why, the company could be none other than AOL. Always, with these commercials. The music pumps, attractive people confess the quality of AOL. In fact, this is all a corrupt lie! Turn away, my friends, AOL will speak to you horrible, horrible lies! Is the quality of their browser better than any other as they claim? Not especially. Then it's the CDs! Now it's the CDs! My stars! It simply does not make any sense.

Most surely by now you have seen the truth. Save this bookshelf, my friends, save it! These days people would cut up their bookshelves and throw their books into garbage. Garbage, my friends! Whereas these could be sent to give hope for the hungry, and relief to those in the water closet, they are sent to men in gray and blue uniforms to the garbage! May you have courage to stop this, my friends.

Remember:

The Force will be with you

Adios Amigos

An Important History Lesson

Since we here at Lee and Mac care so much for your education and... shoe sizes, we offer you a semi-free history lesson, courtesy of some guys. And hey, you never know: They Might Be Giants! Oh, that was good. Sideache!...

Turkish Lore

Writer's Blog

Three long years now, ye seadogs. I've been trying to write something in this pathetic little dialog box. I'm beginning to hate it here. I'm restricted everywhere by this putrid brown box. In some way, I hope you can imagine what I'm seeing. Tiny black letters in a pool of white. Occasionaly, the chlorine of the backspace key cleans these accidents up, but they keep coming up, worse than those that came before.

WARNING: Spoilers ahead: (HIGHLIGHT TO READ)

Obi-Wan temporarily moves in with Mace Windu when Ani Turns to the Dark Side.

Yoda is turned into a muppet by the evil Darth Tyrannosaurus Rex.

John Kerry trains to be a Jedi Master.

The Dodgers win the Series!

What are you thinking of right now?

Contstantly...wait a sec. constant...ly. constant....inople. YES!! I've done it.


Con-stan-ti-nople Whoopee!!!

That's exactly what this pool needed. The beauty of a Constantinople in a lovely serif fashion.

Man, I'm glad I got that. Sometimes I ramble, you see, and if solid thoughts don't come, you're forced to drink down essay-soft-drinks instead of a wonderfully greasy blog-burger. Lucky you! You want creative-chips with that blog-burger?

DNE

Ever had a period of time such as that?

Wow, I have been to the edge and back, my friends. This hefty ordeal will be one that they will speak of around the campfires and dinner tables for centuries to come. I will refrain from spending an fortune of precious moments on this post, expecially considering the fact that I am supposed to be working happily away right now, but rather am recording my happenings for all to see with a link to the gigantic network known as the worldwide web.

For some time now, perhaps in the range of one-two weeks, I have been in a vicious struggle with a project assigned to me. The environment of the wrestling is Microsoft Access, of the 2002 A.D. variety. Whislt in the process of attempting to produce a "whiz-bang report," my peace was sundered by the project, which demanded that I retrieve the data of an far-off land, known by some to be tblSetbackbyZone, but hereafter to be remembered as RetroFever Jane, that is, The Totally, Completely, and in All Other Ways Conquered.

I was utterly shocked by this mandate from the high and most mighty of all things pertaining to workternship, Project. I asked if he was certain in mind concerning the matter, and he rebuked me, saying, "Yes."

What could a soul do? Never had the Project been so forceful in manner as to coerce me to a far-away realm and bring back more complex data than the typical mind of a Rhinoceros Beetle can comprehend! I gazed out into the horizon with a solemn expression on my foot and picked up all the expressions of which I could think, for I would necessitate them soon in my journeys.

I thus set out, dissolving my path before me until I finally, after much tribulation from the cat5 road and its perils, arrived at the borders of tblSetbackbyZone. There were data surrounding me of all colours, shapes, and sizes. To describe them more fully, they were like marbles scattered across the expanses of space, with little fuzzies coming out like hair. But I was not distracted: I was strictly there on business. I opened my backpack in an attempt to let out my expressions of power, but they hearkened not to the freedom calling them through the open air and remained motionless, lifeless.

Oh the sorrow that tormented me then! Surely all was lost! I wandered about the strange land for many minutes, and the minutes themselves are many hours and seconds, until I looked at my watch of timeliness, and found a sticky little query clinging thereon. I seized upon the query and tossed it into the air, where it, without hesitating, gathered up some of the data which I so direly was in want.

He brought the data to me, and I rejoiced exceedingly. But my pleasure was short-lived, for when I indeed tried to use the query once more to bring in the additional data I needed, he only wandered around without success, apparently seeking the data he had already found. Again I was dashed against the rocks and left to wither in the elements' exposure and time...

But that's not the end.

No, as you will see. Now even though I searched about and verily found queries that could collect all the data I needed for the Project and more, I could only hold one query at a time. Thus my frustration was great, and there were times that I lost hope...

But that's obviously not the end either.

How bright was the afternoon when I discovered what it was I pursued for so long, the solution to all my problems and woes! I found that if I juggled the queries as I walked, they could retain the data from escaping and I would only have to juggle them in order to only have one at a time. Joy encompassed my being, and I was filled with wondrous power. That ethernet link home was a breeze and I strode with a bright countenance and much confidence in my mind.

I presented the data to Project, and he accepted it sternly. I glared at him, and he glared at me. Then we searched frantically through the newspaper clippings to find a coupon to order some pizza, but it was all to no avail. So we continued to battle.

And though I fight him still, the day is in sight where I shall subject him to my will and emerge victorious.

---

IOW, I found out how to use multiple queries in a report to get desired data. Big deal. Microsoft Access is cooler than I previously thought.